?

Log in

Thu, Jul. 14th, 2005, 11:19 am
zengarden: New member and a new Sue!

Hi there, I'm Kathryn, or Sketch to any of you NMLers. I love fanficcing and I highly enjoy making fun of people, so I joined up. ^^ Here's my first sporked offering. Stick a fork in 'er, she's DONE!

Title: "Couldn't Ask For More." Part 1 of the Bean Trilogy. (Oh God, there's two more?!)
Suethor: TakeOneLook (Or Flit on NML.)

Name: Anna Willer/Samantha Nicole Parker, (The second name is the one given her by her adoptive parents.) nicknamed Bean.
Oh, What Gorgeous Hair!: "Shoulder-length, dirty-blonde hair."
Eyes Like...: "Beautiful green eyes."
Sue-type: Actually, delightfully commonplace. She's the one Jack finds being harrassed by the Delanceys, then takes back to the LH and under his wing.
Of Course, She Owns...: She gets a journal from her biological dad toward the end of the story. He says she has a "writer's spirit" even though we haven't seen her do anything that resembles writing throughout the entire story. She subsequently decides she'd do anything to work at a big newspaper.
I Didn't Know He Had a Sister/Cousin!: "He slung his arm around Bean and gave her a brotherly squeeze. Jack had been Bean's family for the past two years, ever since he saved her from the DeLancy brothers. It was right after her parents died in a train wreck."
She's From Where?: She thinks her parents died in a train crash, but actually her real dad got taken into prison and her real mom died after. She gets lost and then finds this couple that adopts her. Then her real dad comes back to find her, which he does in, say, three chapters.
Whose Girlfriend is She, Anyway?: She dates Skittery first, but Racetrack is secretly in love with her. Then she breaks up with Skitts. But, uh oh! Now Racetrack has a girlfriend! That's ok, they break up later. Convenient! Something going on with David, too, that makes them not exactly close, but close enough so she can spill her emotional guts out to him on a fire escape.
Rating: Not too terrible in characterization, but overall 3 Refuge years for the whole series. (I only sporked Part 1.)
Notes: My first effort at a decent spork, and I didn't want to be really mean, 'cos I <3 Flit.
Excerpt(s):

The girl looked up at Race. "Yes, actually I am. The chain on my locket broke and it fell into the pond."

"Can I help ya look fer it?"

"If you want."

Race stuck his hand in to the pond and felt around. When he didn't find anything, he set his papers down and stepped in.

"You don't have to do that." she told him.

"Course I do," he replied. He searched around on all fours until his hand found something metal. He pulled it out of the water. "Is this it?" he asked.

The girl took the locket from Race. "Oh my goodness, you found it!" she exclaimed.

The locket was old and slightly rusty, with a beautiful letter V engraved on the front.

"What's da 'V' stand for?" Race asked.

"Veronica," the girl replied. "It was handed down to me from my grandmother. I was named after her, too."

"Dat's nice." Race said as he turned to leave. "I gotz tah finish sellin mah papes, soz I bettah go."

"But wait!" Veronica called after him. "I don't even know your name!"

"Itz Race," he replied. Seeing the puzzled look on Veronica's face, Race sighed and began to explain. "Actually, the name's Anthony Higgins, but me friends call me Racetrack, on account 'a I hang out at da horse races an I gamble all da time."

"Oh," Veronica said, "Well, Race, would you like to join me for dinner tonight?"

Race thought it sounded suspiciously like a date, and was about to turn her down, but then he remembered that Bean had a boyfriend and he needed to move on. "Sure, where at?"

"Well, I heard there's this cute little diner called Tibby's downtown. We could check it out."

"Tibby's? I pretty much live dere!" Race exclaimed. He remembered that Bean and Skittery were supposed to be there that night. It was the perfect opportunity to make Bean jealous, if that was even possible. "How 'bout seven?"

"Itz a date." Veronica grinned at Race in the same way that Bean grinned at Skittery and turned to walk away.

"Whoze da goil?"

Race spun around and was suddenly face to face with Kid Blink.

"Oh, dat's Veronica, we gotz a date tahnite."

"Givin up on Bean so soon?" Kid Blink asked smugly.

Race was shocked. "How'd you.."

"Mush tol' me. You knowz he can't keep a secret."
(Oi, all through the story... Zs! Misplaced apostrophes! Mangled spelling! Bad accents! This is probably the worst of it.)

"Hey little girly, whatcha doin?"

"I don't dink dat's none a yer business."

Oscar put his hand up against the wall of the building so Sam couldn't get past. "Well I'm makin it mah business." He grabbed her and kissed her so forcefully that it hurt. Sam pushed him away and tried to run, but Morris caught her in his arms. "Why ya tryna run, sweetie?" Oscar asked. "You know you want tah be wit me."

"Uh, no." Sam said indignantly. "All I want is sum food and a corner tah curl up in."

"Oh, but I can give ya so much more." He pushed her up against the building and tried to kiss her again.

"I wouldn't try dat if I were you."

Sam looked up and saw a boy standing there, not much older that herself, with a bandana tied around his neck. He looked like a genuine cowboy.

"Let go of 'er Oscar, afore I soak you and yer brudder both."

Oscar looked at him, then back at Sam, and finally let go.

"Thanks," Sam said quietly as she slipped out of the alley with her mysterious defender. "I wuz startin to get kinda scared."
"No problem," he replied. "Say, you got a place tah stay?"

"Why?" Sam asked suspiciously, considering what had just happened.

"Well first off, ya look like youze been sleepin on da streets fer at least a week, and second, I happen tah knowz a place dat you can stay."

"Wherez dat?" she asked, still suspicious.

"Newsboys Lodgin' House, dere's a bunk below mine wit yer name on it." He glanded at her, "What is yer name, anyway?"

"Samantha Nicole Parker, an' yers?"

"Jack Kelly, but me friends call me Cowboy." They walked for a while without saying anything until Jack stopped suddenly. "Well, Samantha Nicole Parker, here we are."

Sam rolled her eyes. "Ya don't gotz tah call me by me full name, Jack, jus call me Sam."

"Alright Sam, I'll show ya to yer bunk, den." They walked upstairs into a room full of bunk beds.

"Wow, ya mean dere's dis many boys in one room?"

"Yep, pretty much."

"I dunno whether tah be happy coz I get tah see thoity boys shoitless, or disgusted cuz its gonna smell like da zoo."

Jack chuckled.

"Hey Jacky-boy, dis hea is a no-goils zone."

Jack and Sam spun around to see Race standing there, smirking.

Sam noticed a rolled up sock on the bunk next to her, and wasted no time in chucking it at Race's head.

"Hey what was dat for? Why'd ya bean me in da head?"

Jack laughed. "Hey, dere's yer nickname. Bean."

"I like dat," Bean agreed.
(Oi again... of all the fabulously creative ways bean could've ended up at the LH... which no girl was actually allowed to do, BTW... I'm beginning to feel sorry for the Brudders. All these helpless girls to abuse constantly. Even they must be aching for a new plotbunny. ==;;)

Best Line: "Twenty minutes later, Race strolled back towards the jewelry shop with $7.00 in hand. Skittery and Dutchy had joined in the poker game, and Race whooped them all. He didn't even need to bum any money off of Jack." (Admit it, that's so Racetrack.)

Thu, Jul. 14th, 2005 04:44 pm (UTC)
zengarden

Well, all things considered, that probably would've been appropriate. Still writing in Newsieverse? Perhaps you should think about rewriting this one, it's got a good basic plot.